WARNING! THIS POST TALKS ABOUT MISCARRIAGE!
Just before I get into this post, I just felt the need to say that this post was written on what I would consider a really bad day. There are some points throughout this post that I did mention feeling like a failure. I am by no means saying or suggesting that anyone that has or is going through a miscarriage is a failure. This was one of the very few posts that I really questioned whether or not I should post. I have always said that I wanted to be as transparent and honest as I possibly can on this blog and I feel that the feelings I talk about in this post, are feelings women feel regularly whilst grieving for their little angels.
Please know that my messages are always open to anyone whether you be male or female if you ever feel as though you need to discuss or talk about this process!
Love to you all,
This post was written on 8th July 2020
This week has been hard! This week marks 3 weeks since my miscarriage was confirmed and yesterday I passed my baby. I will spare you the details but look down and see what remains of my 6 week old of little one and to then flush it down the toilet pains me. I feel as though I have failed them in some way. My head and body are in two different places.
My head can’t process what is going on. I can’t understand why this happened. I can’t understand why for the 4th time, I have lost a baby. I understand that to some people they may not consider it a baby, but to me it is. I held that baby for 6 weeks, I knew pretty much from the start that I was pregnant. Mothers have that instinct.
I can’t look at anything to do with babies. I feel so bad that online or in-person and I can’t congratulate people for becoming pregnant with their little miracles because every time I see peoples announcements and those beautiful bump photos and for a moment, I feel so happy for them and then a part of me remembers that was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be being excited to tell my family about our surprise bundle of joy but instead, I’m having to decide whether or not people should be told about my baby. I’m filled with jealousy and guilt.
I hate that my body aches for a baby! I feel empty. I want nothing more than to feel that feeling of excitement that there is a tiny person growing inside of me, that I’m going to be able to watch you develop from a baby into a person.
Sometimes I can’t quite tell if the universe is surrounding me with people having babies to help me recover or if it’s being done to mock me. Today is a day that I wish I didn’t have to get out of bed for!